Baby is currently napping in her crib when we are home during the day. She slept in there today for an entire hour all by herself. We are no longer swaddling her at night either, the heat wave took care of that one. So now there is just the big break of putting her into the crib at night, but she isn’t yet 3 months, and I was going to wait until at least 3 months. I have a sneaky feeling that she would probably do okay, and it’s just me who is having trouble with it.
I was terrified of becoming a mother, due to my own example of what a mother is. My mom wasn’t really around a lot; she left my family when I was 8 years old. She battles multiple addictions and at the time it was probably the best thing that she could have done for my sister and I, in the end it probably would have done us more damage to have her around being unhealthy. There is nothing like having your mother leave you, you think that she is the one person who is never going to leave- ever. I think that all my life I have felt that anyone could leave my life at any time, because I considered myself leaveable- after all, if my mom could leave me, why wouldn’t someone else? Fortunately I got over these feelings with some time and tough love. My early experiences also made me fearful for when I became a mother, would I be like her? Sometimes, when I just want some time to myself I start to feel a bit worried that I am migrating to my mother’s territory, the territory of absence. Despite the fact that I know I need to take care of myself to take good care of my daughter, I still get worried that I might want to leave; but I think that there probably isn’t a mother out there who at one point wanted to leave! Motherhood is demanding and what makes it more demanding and challenging for me is knowing that I can’t quit! It’s not like the super hard class in college- you can’t cram for the test, you can’t write the paper without doing the readings, you can’t cheat and you can’t quit. Failing and quitting are not options. I guess in the end it comes down to priorities. My mom’s addictions became her priorities (as they often do for those in her situation), my priorities continue to be my daughter and my family and I have every intention of keeping it that way. In my own experience as a new mom, with a new little family, I find that I am learning about what a family is more and more every day. We are creating the type of environment for our daughter that we hope will allow her to become a happy and healthy individual, she is our legacy on this earth, nothing else that we do with our lives will matter more. Below are some family photos taken by one of my good friends Emily DaSilva 🙂