August Begins!

Recently we had baby’s first set of immunizations done. I was so scared, she didn’t have a clue what was coming for her! I think I cried little tears all the way to the Health Unit in anticipation of her crying and ultimately hating me. When we got into the office I just broke down into the embarrassing sobs that you never want to break down into in public, especially in front of someone who you are not familiar with! I excused my crazy crying and the public health nurse was so sweet, she told me that almost all first time moms react like this and that it was completely normal because she is my baby and I don’t want her to be hurt or sad- well isn’t that the truth! Baby got jabbed 3 times, one right after the other into her fleshy, little, trusting, white thigh. She wailed of course and I had sympathy alligator tears. I was quick to put her on the boob and that seemed to solve the worst of it. She did take momentary breaks in her feeding to look up at me and yell- which I almost had to laugh at because it was like she was saying, “I might be eating, but I have not forgotten about this, I will deal with you later!” She took it like a champ though, it was harder on me than it was on her I am sure of it. She didn’t get a fever and she slept just as well as she did during the other nights of our lovely heat wave, yeay baby! Here she is below rolling, I am trying to get a fluid shot, have to try in the morning when I don’t need a flash!
 
 
Hi mom!

Hi mom!

Ohh, here I go!
Ohh, here I go!
And I'm over!

And I'm over!

Baby is currently napping in her crib when we are home during the day. She slept in there today for an entire hour all by herself. We are no longer swaddling her at night either, the heat wave took care of that one. So now there is just the big break of putting her into the crib at night, but she isn’t yet 3 months, and I was going to wait until at least 3 months. I have a sneaky feeling that she would probably do okay, and it’s just me who is having trouble with it.

Fast alseep :)

Fast alseep 🙂

Proof that she is in fact in her crib!

Proof that she is in fact in her crib!

I was terrified of becoming a mother, due to my own example of what a mother is. My mom wasn’t really around a lot; she left my family when I was 8 years old. She battles multiple addictions and at the time it was probably the best thing that she could have done for my sister and I, in the end it probably would have done us more damage to have her around being unhealthy. There is nothing like having your mother leave you, you think that she is the one person who is never going to leave- ever. I think that all my life I have felt  that anyone could leave my life at any time, because I considered myself leaveable- after all, if my mom could leave me, why wouldn’t someone else? Fortunately I got over these feelings with some time and tough love. My early experiences also made me fearful for when I became a mother, would I be like her? Sometimes, when I just want some time to myself I start to feel a bit worried that I am migrating to my mother’s territory, the territory of absence. Despite the fact that I know I need to take care of myself to take good care of my daughter, I still get worried that I might want to leave; but I think that there probably isn’t a mother out there who at one point wanted to leave! Motherhood is demanding and what makes it more demanding and challenging for me is knowing that I can’t quit! It’s not like the super hard class in college- you can’t cram for the test, you can’t write the paper without doing the readings, you can’t cheat and you can’t quit. Failing and quitting are not options. I guess in the end it comes down to priorities. My mom’s addictions became her priorities (as they often do for those in her situation), my priorities continue to be my daughter and my family and I have every intention of keeping it that way. In my own experience as a new mom, with a new little family, I find that I am learning about what a family is more and more every day. We are creating the type of environment for our daughter that we hope will allow her to become a happy and healthy individual, she is our legacy on this earth, nothing else that we do with our lives will matter more. Below are some family photos taken by one of my good friends Emily DaSilva 🙂

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1 Comment

Filed under Daily Check In

One response to “August Begins!

  1. Danielle Rand

    Jessica,

    Emily da Silva just forwarded me your blog. We work together and I’m six months pregnant myself. I love your writing!

    Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with the world. It is comforting to know other women aren’t 100% sure all the time. Thank you for being so straight.

    Hopefully one day we’ll be able to meet!
    Danielle.

    P.S. I intend also to adopt or foster after our baby is born. I love your thoughts on that too! (smile) Have a great day!

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