Thursday Night Bedtime

Everly went to sleep in her crib at 7:30 pm tonight, she slept for 30 minutes and started fussing around 8:00. I waited 10 minutes to see if she would settle herself and she didn’t so I went in the room and reassured her and sat next to her bed in the rocking chair. The next 20 minutes were seriously some of the worst of my life. She cried and cried and cried. I kept telling her “night night” and I love you and patted her head, but she was pissed. I kept telling myself that I am not a terrible mother, that I am helping her learn… I thought to myself if I could give birth to her drug free I can go through this… well not without some major tears! So we cried together. After 20 minutes I had to take a break so I left the room for 10 minutes and wouldn’t you know, 12 minutes later she was asleep. No soother, no swaddle, in her crib- WTF? So I learned that she is capable of doing this, I just never gave her the chance. Well she has chances coming now!

I needed a serious pep talk after this ordeal. After all the prep that I did, all the reading and self assurances, I still felt pretty terrible and needed to make sure I was on the right path. It’s hard to not give in to instincts that you have been developing for the past 5 months. I was assured by my everfaithful pep talk friend Danielle that I am doing the right thing, that I am helping her learn, that I am not a bad mother, that I am not abandoning her. I guess I never want her to feel abandoned by me because I know how it feels to be abandoned by your mother- it’s not good. But Danielle reminded me that I am here, I was present and responding to her, I let her know I love her over and over again. Thank goodness she won’t remember this and when I do, it will be to reassure another mom that she is doing the right thing… we’ll see how the rest of the night goes…

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