Last night I started bedtime routine earlier again (around 6:45) and she was in bed for 7:15 pm. She fussed until 7:17 pm and then was out like a light. 45 minutes or so later she fussed for another minute and then that was it for the night. I think I have discovered a system. After her third nap of the day (usually around 3:30 or so) I keep her up once she wakes up, no matter how short the nap was (if of course she doesn’t put herself back to sleep before I go to her). This means that she ends up being awake for nearly 3 hours before she goes to bed. During the day she stays up for 2 hours tops at a time, so this 3 hour stint really wears her out. I don’t think this would work for all babies, since some go to sleep even worse when they are overtired, but for her it seems to work. Almost like she just doesn’t have the energy to cry! I was very pleased that pushing back her bedtime did not make her get up any earlier, she has still woke up at 6:00 am, fed and gone back to sleep for at least another hour and a half. Won’t it be nice when she eliminates that 6:00 am feeding and goes right until 7:30… could we handle 12 hours solid of baby sleep in this house? LOL! I think we could.
The reverse of her doing so much better is that I feel less needed. I complained about her crying and not falling asleep on her own and now I am complaining that she does??? What the hell is wrong with me! When I put her down to sleep at a friend’s house today I laid next to her at first because I thought that would be more reassuring for her in an unfamiliar sleep space. Well she wasn’t settling and just kept trying to claw my face off so I took the hint and left the room. She was asleep within 5 minutes with not even a minute really of fussing. I realized then that I was interrupting her new sleep routine as it doesn’t involve me. I was officially not needed in that moment, for the first time ever. I looked at my friend and said she doesn’t need me, that’s so sad and I almost started a full on crying session of my own. My friend (sweet as she is) reminded me that yes she does need me- a whole lot. Weird how I took it personally when she cried and now I take it personally when she doesn’t cry. Being a mom messes with the wiring of your brain.
Speaking of messing with the wiring of your brain… I think I officially hit a mommy wall today. The last few days I have noticed that I have been a bit more emotional and had less patience. I thought it might have to do with the crying, and maybe it did, but I was in a funk. I can’t say why or what or any of the common explanations, just that I did not feel happy, or as happy as I thought I should I guess would be the best description. I guess I just thought motherhood would be different. Thanks to the media and past generations (who do not share the nitty gritty) I had a totally different view of what motherhood would be- and you can guess that I thought it would be rainbows and unicorns and candy! Mmmmm candy. But no, there are some rotten candies in the bag, some days it rains and the unicorns are there, but they aren’t as sparkly or purple as I pictured them in my head. That isn’t to say that there aren’t moments like tv said there would be, there are tons of them! But I think the other, more difficult moments hit harder because you weren’t expecting them.
I spent a good 10 minutes in the bathroom today just crying. I felt like I was letting Everly down because I haven’t been as happy and she deserves a happy mom. Well I deducted from my cry that I need to take steps to be a happier mom. I am not sure what that looks like yet, but I know it will come to me. I feel so guilty for even writing all of this, and I feel like a bit of a failure at being a mom. Aren’t I just supposed to be able to live off the smiles and giggles of my baby alone? Yes she is awesome and I love her to death like nothing else, but your life can’t be all about one moment, thing, or person or it starts to get stale- even if that one person is your adorable little peanut! I know I am not the only mom out there who has felt this way and maybe if I say it, someone else will say it (and so on and so on) and then people can actually have a conversation about it and not feel guilty someday!
Wow, it was really hard to not delete that after I wrote it! Below, a more happy moment! Everly and I were driving and came across a huge pile of leaves. I almost drove past them and then I realized I could put her in them. I drove another few feet and was like dang it, I am going to go for it; so I parked the car, pulled her out of the car seat and we had a photoshoot! I thought why not, we aren’t in a rush, let’s be spontaneous and fun! I knew if I hadn’t have stopped I would have thought about it for the rest of the day and felt guilty because there was no good reason to not stop! I am so glad we did 🙂 My camera battery was nearly dead though so I only got a few- let that be a lesson to all of us to keep our camera battery charged, you never know what is going to come up!