Last night I yelled at Everly for the first time; I yelled at a baby, a crying baby no less. I sit here and type it and still am utterly in shock and ashamed of myself. I yelled at a sad, defenseless, whailing, little baby. I yelled ‘JUST GO TO SLEEP ALREDY!’ and as you might have guessed, tonight was a repeat of last night (minus 15 minutes or so- thank god). I ended up having to sit on the floor in her room to just keep flipping her back onto her back again. Yesterday she mastered front to back rolling as well, but all is forgotten when she is in her crib and pissed off. What I wonder is why does she insist on flipping over to her belly- is it just the allure of the new skill? She does it over and over again. One time she stopped making noise and I looked up thinking that I would find her asleep on her back but oh, terror of terrors, she was on her tummy with her face planted into the mattress. I could hear her breathing, but it did not look safe, so I rolled her back over and she woke up again; thankfully though that was the tail end of it.
While I was sitting on the floor in her room, (actually replace sitting with curled up into a ball sobbing), I was thinking the most terrible things, which I guess is kind of obvious considering that I yelled at her. I just resented her so much in those 40 minutes. I could not figure out why she just won’t learn what we are trying to help her learn. I was wondering why is she being so stubborn. I know the “text book” explanations for her behaviour (eg.g proximity seeking), but that doesn’t make it any easier to listen to the protesting of proximity seeking. I am here to agree with those scientists who discovered that the sound of an infant crying is the most annoying noise to the human ear, it is not Lloyd Christmas screeching in a dog van on his way to Aspen, Colorado. I think that the millitary should seriously consider using recordings of crying babies to try to get “information” out of people. I am fully confident that after 1 hour or so, they would talk, I would talk, I would tell them ANYTHING to make it stop.
After she finally went to sleep, I went to my own bed and tried to calm my own self down. I called a good friend and shared my anxieties and frustrations and like the good friend that she is, she calmed me down and helped me to realize that what we are going through is a right of passage if we want Everly to learn to self soothe and be a good independent sleeper. I was feeling a little bit better after this. I got into bed looked at the clock (10:58pm) and promptly fell asleep… and then all of a sudden- WAHHHH WAHHHH WAHHHHH– it was only 11:34pm. I asked B to sit in the room and watch her, as he was already up watching tv and he quipped, why- she sleeps on her stomach anyway. Pfffftghhj? What? I think the air I let out was the breath heard round the world. She slept on her side once and now he says she sleeps on her stomach. I politely informed him (okay maybe not politely at all), that he was completely out to lunch (insert f-word a few times in there) and then sarcastically thanked him for helping me. I went in to Everly’s room, grabbed her out of the crib and took her into our bed (NOOOOOO!), yes I slipped. And then I nursed her to sleep (double NOOOOO), oh I slipped bad. Writing about it now though it gives me some sort of satisfaction, like I broke the rules! Well my rule breaking was another reminder that she does not sleep better with me. You would have thought that I had learned this on Halloween night, but I didn’t. Have I now… I would like to say yes, but I am going to stick with hopefully. When things get tough, we want to go back to what we know, but sometimes enough of a change has happened and we can’t go back, because what we knew does not exist anymore- yep, that’s what is happening at our house.
So what now. I yelled at her, I lost my temper, she slept in our bed and I nursed her to sleep. Clearly I am at the end of some rope or something; to be fair to myself there was more length in the rope than I thought, I think it was that kind of rope that stretches a little maybe, maybe that was it). But seriously, now what. There is nothing more that I can do for her that I am not already doing if I want to continue on with what we started. And really there is no going back because I know for a fact that she does not sleep as good when she sleeps next to us. So I guess now we wait it out, we wait for her to learn and I try to find some sort of self care that helps me to not go completely “walking naked in the park looking for a red shoe while talking to birds” crazy. I have said it before and I will say it again- Ahhhhh motherhood!