Damn you Facebook.

Is it just me or was Facebook’s previous picture uploader much better than the one it currently utilizes? Remember when you could choose all your pictures from multiple folders and then upload at the end when you were all done? Now it’s folder by folder again and a GIANT pain in my ass. So much so that I  find that I upload pictures at a significantly reduced pace (much to the dismay of my relatives waiting for recent shots of Everly). Was the old uploader too difficult for people? My philosophy is one that believes if you can’t handle the heat get out of the kitchen or learn to deal with it. If Facebook is just too complicated for you back away from the computer or get some help from a friend who is tech savvy. Of course this is just speculation on my part but I am basing by speculation on past experiences- the stupid people often ruin things for the rest of us. Now I mean stupid in the most all encompassing sense of the word. Stupid covers kids goofing off in school and causing the class to stay late, or people who never learn how to use a computer but insist on saying that they know how. I realize that I am being a bit rough but these are my thoughts and if you don’t like them you can take the kitchen advice above. And you know what; it is just easier for me in this moment to be angry with a downfall of technology than to accept responsibility for something that is picking my ass right now.

My mom was so excited for this Christmas with Everly. She picked out her toy very carefully and hoped that Evie was going to like it. Fast forward to boxing day… Evie opens the gift that my mom had carefully wrapped and her eyes lit up, became saucers, popped out of her head- the kid was impressed. She demanded that we immediately take it out of the box and of course we did. My mom got her a Fisher Price Zoo. It came with tons of little animals and zoo keepers, a zoo structure and of course makes fun zoo noises. It is safe to say that this was one of Everly’s favourite Christmas presents. Mom had picked a winner. Everly played with that toy a lot in the days that followed. I took some pictures of her playing with it with the intention of posting them to Facebook and tagging my mom so that she could see how much Evie loved it. Well I never got around to downloading that memory card and the photos never got uploaded to Facebook. You know why? I think Facebook’s uploader is a pain in the ass and I was putting it off. Ahhhh, now everything fits doesn’t it.

When we packed for Nanaimo I packed the zoo. With it being one of her favourite toys I knew it would come in handy to have it around. I thought of mom when I packed it. At that point I didn’t have a clue as to how sick she really was and so I think some part of me expected them to be able to play with it together and I thought that would be nice for the both of them. My mom hadn’t had a lot of time with Everly. She took all that she could get, but living out of town and having limited resources for travel decreased that time to less than she would have liked to spend.

As you well know this dreamy little picture did not come to life. And now here I am with pictures of Everly playing with this toy. Why and I letting this bug me so much. My mom saw her playing with it on Boxing Day so she knew that Evie liked it. Hearing everyone talk about how excited my mom was for Christmas with Evie this year can’t help. I was told by numerous relatives how she had carefully chosen her  gift and was worried that Evie might not like it. So maybe that’s why it bugs me. I have been a little hard on myself about this. Today I came to the realization that if this is my biggest regret surrounding the death of my mother, well, I am pretty lucky.

Some people loose their loved ones during times of disagreement and they never get to say they are sorry or even say good bye. Others can’t be close due to physical distance. Parents have children disappear into thin air, only to be discovered in a wooded park already dead. My mom and I didn’t have secrets. She knew that I loved her and I knew that she loved me, despite her funny way of showing it sometimes. We didn’t have any unresolved issues other than smoking (I wanted her to quit). We had dealt with the issues of our tumultuous past and stood together in a healthy adult relationship. I wouldn’t say that it was your typical mother/daughter relationship, of course it couldn’t be. But it was one in which we both knew our roles and were happy with them and received positive gratification. Can you really hope for much else? Yes. More time.

Post your pictures, send prints, write letters. Tell people you love them. Rebuild bridges, say you’re sorry. You never know who you are going to loose and I strongly believe that if you feel at peace with your relationship with the person, you are going to have an easier time processing their death. The sense of loss that accompanies grief is hard enough. I can only imagine how difficult it must be having those unresolved issues along with it. Oh and write a will. I am starting to sound like Bob Barker with that spayed and neutered thing I know, but seriously, do it.

I am convinced that my mom is haunting us to let me know she is still around, lol. Yesterday B and I were watching television. The remote was sitting on the side table between us and randomly a reminder for Hawaii 50 popped up on the screen. B laughed and said when did you start watching that show, I said um, I don’t, I didn’t do that. He shrugged and said that’s weird, I said yeah it is. I immediately thought oh no! She knows! We looked into Hawaii and realized that it just isn’t the vacation that we are looking for right now. We want to be taken care of, we don’t want to have to cook and clean or walk more than 30 feet to get to the beach and we really don’t want to have to drive anywhere. My sister is planning to have her honeymoon there (wedding date TBD), so if the family is set on mom being drifted in Hawaii she can take her, if not I would be happy to take mom to Mexico. The majority of us decided that a white sandy beach and sunshine is really what she was after anyway, wasn’t it… wasn’t it? LOL. And then today Everly’s toys light up on their own and her stupid cow bowl will not shut up. It moos and moos and moos, even when it is turned off. Her toys “speak” at random as well. Now I won’t go so far to say that I believe in stuff like this completely, but I have to admit that it’s kind of weird since we were just talking about toys and our ashes drifting vacation. Oh death makes us think of crazy things doesn’t it? I have to admit though it is slightly comforting to think of her as being “still around.”


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