I made it until 10:16pm before I cried on Wednesday night. Take that grief, you slimy bastard. I think I might have made it the whole day if it weren’t for Breaking Bad.
Have you seen Breaking Bad? If you haven’t you should watch it, I highly recommend it, it’s an excellent series. B and I have been hooked since we started the first season late in 2010. Whenever we can sneak 46 minutes in together (it’s rare, trust me), we sit down and watch an episode. Last night we watched two. At the end of the second season a character dies. The dead character had a very close relationship with one of the main characters and some would argue that this main character may have contributed to the dead character’s downfall and death. Some would argue. I believe in choice so I don’t hold him accountable. But like anyone left behind when someone dies he holds himself accountable for the death. He calls the cell phone of the dead character just to hear the voice on the voicemail, over and over and over. And then one time he calls and the phone is out of service. Done.
Yes, the thought immediately came into my mind to call my mom’s phone number. But I knew that it was disconnected. Big alligator tears came into my eyes and took their time rolling from my lashes to my chin. The fat ones don’t move so fast. I realized that I will never hear her voice again. My mind scrambled for memories of her voice and scrambled even harder to find memories of where her voice might be recorded so that I would be able to hear it. There are videos, now I just need to find them and convert them to DVD… we haven’t had a VCR since 2005.
Thursday I cried after I checked my Facebook account. I replied a big fat NO to a games request (as always. Who has time for Facebook games anyway?) and there was a list of my friends and what games they played… ohhhh these are the ones with spare time! Jerks. Top right was my mom. I clicked on her Facebook page. What was I expecting? A status update, a new photo comment? Who knows. I just stared at the page. The bottom of her wall displayed her recent activity. She had commented on some of my photos. Well that won’t be happening anymore will it. This made me cry more.
As time goes on the heaviness of grief that I feel throughout the entire day lessens, but the reminders increase. As time goes on it becomes more obvious that she isn’t here. My body, mind and heart know that they have to let go, but there are these tiny little sinews that want to hold on, and sinew is strong, like bull.
I am usually able to let go of things and try really hard to keep a positive outlook on life. I also try really hard to surround myself with positive people, people who make me feel good about myself. I once caught flack for this and I have to say it was one point in my life where I found myself the most confused. I couldn’t understand why someone would not want to surround themselves with people who made them feel good about themselves… what is the point of having people in your life who point out your faults and make you feel bad about yourself? Now I understand that we all hold our own power and our interpretations of an event are what should truly matter, so really no one has the power to MAKE you feel anything, but they can sure help can’t they?!
There are some things I have had trouble letting go of. And you know what, I have had a lot of things happen that I could have let bring me down. But I don’t like things controlling my life. Baggage controls your life better than anything else. I try my damndest to travel light. Life is a short trip, you don’t want to waste time in line-ups dealing with your crap. But I have let some things drag behind me, I think we all have.
I have had some rollercoaster relationships with two of my cousins. We try and try to have relationships with each other, but it just doesn’t work and the falling out is never pretty. What always kept me trying were my memories of the past with each of them. I always remembered us having such great times when we were little. But as adults, we just didn’t connect the same way. Our views of the world and hopes and dreams were so different. I eventually got to the point where I realized that I can still have those lovely memories of our past despite where we stand in the present. I don’t hold them accountable for where we stand currently and I don’t hold myself accountable either. And I hold no ill will. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be the way you would want them to be in an ideal world and that’s okay. It took me a LONG time to learn this.
Another thing I have had trouble letting go of was my cat being dropped off at the SPCA after an argument with someone. I understand being angry with me, but a cat? Seriously. Out of everything that I have experienced, I consider this event to be one of the worst things that has ever happened in my life. This was one event in my life that I had a really hard time understanding. Who brings an innocent animal in as a stray to be euthanized because they are angry with the pet owner? Although I have made peace with the people involved I still don’t think I will ever get over this one completely. My poor cat, guilty by association. Good thing I found him before his number came up.
And my mom. I never let go of her. All through the ugly wasteland of her addictions I kept trying. B asked me one day why I kept trying, why I kept talking to her and letting her hurt me. I told him that once you stop trying there is nothing else and I didn’t like that nothing else option, it felt to finite. I said she’s my mom, you only get one mom. All he saw of course was how I was continually building relationships with her and ultimately being let down and hurt, of course he wanted that to go away. Early in December 2010 he apologized for the position that he had previously held in regards to my mom, he said that he thought now that his view was wrong and he understood why I had kept on like I did. I thanked him for his willingness to learn and understand. He’s such an intelligent man.
And now that she’s gone I have to let go. I have spent the last 20 years holding on tight in so many ways and now I have to let go.