I was reading the last Twilight book when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t read any of the others and am not sure how many there are in total and I had just watched two of the movies before I read the book that I did. I was on a bit of a Twilight marathon, weird. Not sure where that came from. Um maybe it was Taylor Lautner, yeah, could have been a shirtless teenager that did it to me, wow, pretty embarrassing to admit that one.
In reading this book I was privy to the minds and workings of Meyer’s shape shifting wolves. And I related to them, huge. Big time. A lot of the things that there were feeling, I was feeling. So I have been wondering lately if the original folklore of werewolves didn’t in fact stem from pregnant ladies in the village.
Here is why…
1) Werewolves are guided by the moon… well show me a woman that isn’t and I will show you a man. Meyer’s wolves weren’t in fact true werewolves apparently so they were a bit different, but the original werewolf as we all know wreaks havoc during the full moon. A woman wreaks havoc during her moon time…!
2) Werewolves are hairy. Any woman who has been pregnant will tell you that hair grows super fast whilst pregnant. Hair also appears where there was none before. I had NEVER had a visible hair on my toe until I was pregnant with my daughter. Hell, the hair on my legs was COLOURLESS until I became pregnant with Everly. I was extremely upset by this. After enduring 14 weeks of relentless nausea this hair started appearing. I cried to my midwife… why, why, why… I am not a hairy person!
3) Moodiness. The wolves in Twilight seemed to be extremely moody and would shape shift from humans to wolves if they couldn’t control their emotions. If you have EVER been around an angry pregnant woman you will know exactly why I immediately related to this. My patience lessens and my temper heightens when I am pregnant, which means get the F#@K out of my way if you piss me off. It’s not pretty.
4) Shape shifting. So one thing that I noticed in early pregnancy is how you can be skinny in the morning and fat by the evening. I will put on a pair of pants and they will fit perfectly and then by 6:00pm I have to undo the button if I want to sit down without pinching my liver out of a place. From the well loved character on SNL I would like to repeat, “oooooohhhhhh eeeeeeee, what up with that, what up with that?”
5) Nails grow super fast. Wolves have long claws, so do pregnant ladies. I hear it has something to do with the prenatal vitamins, but I don’t think that is it. I continued to take prenatal vitamins while I was breastfeeding Everly and my nails didn’t grow like they are now. Gross.
6) The villagers fear them. Once, when I was pregnant with Everly someone at work drank my orange juice from the staff fridge. I had a 1 litre bottle of pure, organic, delicious orange juice that I used to take my prenatal vitamins so that I didn’t vomit them back up asap. Apparently the orange helps to break down the iron or some such thing. Anyway, someone drank it. Overnight. It was gone, they left two drops. At that point why put it back in the fridge you asshole? I lost it, like freaking call the crazy police and get the straightjacket lost it. I hunted down any and all staff I could find and grilled them. No one confessed to the crime. And looking back now I should have known better. People with that much fear in their eyes are not going to admit to a crime they have committed for sheer terror of the consequences that may befall them. After that no one ate my stuff.
7) They are hungry! If Twilight taught me anything it’s that Werewolves have serious appetites. And in the first few weeks of pregnancy so did I. I ate and ate and ate. I think I gained 2 or 3 pounds in 3 weeks! And then the vomiting started and I lost those 3 pounds and 4 others. But I was still hungry and for junk. Meyer’s wolves eat tons of junk food. I was part wolf and part Buddy the Elf. Sugar and salt- give them to me now and no one gets hurt.
8) Sex on the brain. That Jacob always has sex on the brain. I am sure this is part because he is a teenager and male. I don’t know what it is about being pregnant but I always have sex on the brain.
9) Sense of smell. Those wolves in Twilight could smell everything and so can a pregnant lady! I had forgotten how smelly an innocent place like the mall could be. People stink. Yes they do. I can tell who is a smoker, who is a drinker and who had eggs for breakfast. Changing diapers has been especially challenging with this pregnancy, yuck.
And that’s all I have for now, can you think of any others?