What is it with the terms and phrases that we use sometimes? We say something is an “uphill struggle” and then say something like, “it’s all downhill from here. “ Which is better uphill or downhill, because I am confused?? Maybe it depends on how long you have been walking and how many hills you have already encountered. Did you ever notice the way your shins burn while walking down a steep hill if you have already been on a long walk, is that better or worse than the burning in your ass and thighs when you are walking uphill… am I the only one who gets this? I personally would take uphill as my first pregnancy robbed me of my once pert and bubbly bottom. Walking up some hills might create some fluffiness in the flat pancakes that are now my buttocks. This is purely from the physical perspective not the philosophical.
From the philosophical, I think I would take uphill as well. Usually when you are struggling it can’t get much worse. You know that once you get to the top of the hill the struggle will be over, sometimes not without that last epic battle, but the end is on the clear and present horizon. Downhill, well, it can go on and on and on. Downhill usually gets worse as it goes too; the snowball effect.
There needs to be fun name or term for a middle ground. A lovely middle ground that has flat paving stones and green grass and tree lined sidewalks and cotton candy trees and birds that sing Jack Johnson. And of course the sun is always shining. Oh it would be a great place to be wouldn’t it. I think I would frolic in the middle ground for pretty much most of my life. To hell with this, suffering makes us appreciate the good times bullshit. To experience good times is to enjoy good times; can you tell I am a hedonist?
I don’t really think that losing my mom made me any happier about anything else. It has made me appreciate my life and think about life and what I want out of it and what I want for my children, but I am not any happier when I see that a new episode of Glee is on, or when I get paid. When Everly does something funny I don’t laugh extra hard just because my mom died. That’s stupid.
Each day is different. I can’t say better or worse, it’s different. Some days I have shin splints and other days I am working on my left and right gluteus maximus. It will be the littlest things that point me in either direction too. I don’t know what it is like to be grieving while not pregnant and so I wonder if the mood swings are the same. Is being pregnant while grieving worse? Am I on an increased emotional rollercoaster, a supercoaster like the kinds they have at Six Flags? My initial hunch tells me that I am. I don’t usually have trouble controlling my emotions, except for when I am pregnant. Some days it’s like I am completely lacking my filter. I refer to these days as pregnancy induced Tourette syndrome.
But, I think that I am still one of the lucky ones. I do get to spend some time in that fancy unicorn populated middle ground. Oh did I forget to mention the unicorns before? Yes, there are unicorns there too. Some things that take me to that middle ground are: rocking my Everly to sleep and feeling her little body warm and heavy in my lap. She has no worries and is so peaceful. And there is snuggling on the couch with B as we watch the Jersey Shore, eating ice cream. Or hearing the new baby’s heart beating. Last week I had eating Serena’s enchiladas! And there is always taking photos, taking photos puts me in a state of flow where nothing else can touch me. There are many moments of pure bliss in my life and I am so thankful.