On Friday night, a day after I surrendered. Okay just have to do a little aside here… every single flipping time I write the word surrender, I hear that song… NEVER SURRENDER, ER… you know the one? If you don’t you are missing out. Anyway, with an open mind and a stitched up heart I faced Friday and I had the best sleep that I have had in a LOOOOONG time.
I had the most interesting dreams… One of which involved a phone call and an email from my mom. Now this is a normal thing for me to do when someone in my life passes. I always dream of them a few weeks later. Up until a few years ago it used to scare the bejesus out of me in my dream and I never got much accomplished with the deceased in the way of conversation. But I wasn’t scared when I spoke to my mom. Our conversation went something like this:
Mom: Hi Jess it’s mom calling
Me: Hi mom, how are you?
Mom: I am fine, you know. I don’t have much time, they don’t let me talk on the phone for long.
Me: Well that’s stupid. What have you been doing?
Mom: Playing cards and other things. Check your email.
Me: (checks my email and I see an email from her, the word “Friends” is highlighted. I see a map that has a red line from here to Hawaii). Oh mom, we are going to Mexico, not Hawaii (and then I start to cry).
Cue to my mom actually standing in front of me, I look at the phone and look at her in disbelief. I walked towards her and sat on her lap (it’s a dream so it’s possible to sit on her lap while she is standing). I put my head to her chest and her arms folded around me. I know this posture well, but usually I am on the other side.
Mom: It’s okay. You will be okay honey.
And I just sobbed. I tried so hard to remember the feel of her arms around me and the feel of her skin. I focused on the sound of her voice and the feel of her real breathing. This will be my last memory of you mom is what I thought in my head. And then she was gone. My last thought before I woke up was… she really wants to go to Hawaii.