By Any Other Name

Probably the biggest and most daunting task of bringing a child into this world is choosing a name for that child. Whatever you pick your child will have to live with for the rest of their life. THEIR LIFE. I personally feel like some people didn’t get this memo when choosing their child’s name. I work with children, I have seen names. Oh I have seen names that would make you triple take. I don’t know what provokes a parent to name their child some of the things that they do. We are all well acquainted with the Apples and Pilots and Pixies. And likely we all wondered why. Why? Why can’t we live in a country that protects the lives of infants?

Well just move to Denmark. In Denmark there is a list of 7000 names that you can choose from. There are about 3000 boys names and around 4000 girls names. If you want to choose a name that is not on the list you would need to apply to your local parish and then the name would be reviewed by a special section of the government. Out of the 1000 or so names that go up for review about 20% of them are rejected right off the bat. Take the name Kaden here in North America for example… if you wanted to name your baby Kaiden, Cayden, Caiden, Kaeden or any other offshoot of this super popular name in an attempt to be “different” (side note- I don’t get the logic of this), you would be denied. There is one accepted spelling and that’s the one you need to go by. Too bad. But can you imagine naming your baby and then 3 months later you find out that the name doesn’t go through. Sorry baby, your name can’t be Chopsticks, you are now Ethan. Hmmm, is that really that bad? LOL.

Now of course I see this list thing as having both advantages and disadvantages. First let’s talk about the advantages:

1) You would be able to pronounce all of your children’s friends’ names by just reading them. How novel is that. Teachers wouldn’t need phonetic spelling. The teachers would rejoice.

2) People wouldn’t be allowed to name their children names that rhyme with penis or fart.

3) Companies would have an easier time of making kitsch gifts with “names” on them. Everly would have appreciated this. Good luck finding anything pre-made with her name on it!

4) You wouldn’t have to hear about some celebrity naming their kid Tire Biter McGee and Poo Poo Face Anderson. You wouldn’t have to hear about so and so’s friend doing it either.

5) Children would have a more difficult time making fun of each other’s names if they all had relatively the same ones. This a double win. It contributes to children being more creative too!

6) It would make selecting a name a little bit easier. You would have the list and just need to go through it and pick one, kind of like online shopping, everything in one spot!

7) There would be some semblance of protecting children from their parents giving them an atrocious name, lol! Instead their fate would lay with some government official. Wow, what a job. You may call your child Figg, but you may not call your child Unicorn.

And some disadvantages:

1) You run the risk of the popular names being the most common names for years and years and get to the point where you have a “Madison 1 through 10” in your child’s class, if there aren’t already classes with Madison 1 through 10. Having to number your child or have them referred to as their first name and last initial probably doesn’t do a heck of a lot for developing a sense of individuality. I am a Jessica, and grew up around a lot of Jessicas and Jennifers (which I would get called mistakenly instead of Jessica). I found it annoying to have to be Jessica B all the time. Bu then I would have to talk with someone who grew up with a super original name first to really make a judgment about how bad this is.

2) You wouldn’t hear about some celebrity naming their kid Tire Biter McGee and Poo Poo Face Anderson. You wouldn’t have to hear about so and so’s friend doing it either. Let’s all admit that it is good for a groan and a laugh with your friends.

3) I think there is a human rights violation to be found somewhere… there is always a human rights violation. It’s like that water in the birth control thing…

4) And likely some would say that uniqueness would vanish… but have people really proven that they can handle the right to be unique?

And then how about this article…

New Zealand judge is tired of bizarre children names

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) — A family court judge in New Zealand has had enough with parents giving their children bizarre names here, and did something about it.

Just ask Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. He had her renamed.

Judge Rob Murfitt made the 9-year-old girl a ward of the court so that her name could be changed, he said in a ruling made public Thursday. The girl was involved in a custody battle, he said.

The new name was not made public to protect the girl’s privacy.

“The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child’s parents have shown in choosing this name,” he wrote. “It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily.”

The girl had been so embarrassed at the name that she had never told her closest friends what it was. She told people to call her “K” instead, the girl’s lawyer, Colleen MacLeod, told the court.

In his ruling, Murfitt cited a list of the unfortunate names.

Registration officials blocked some names, including Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucky and Sex Fruit, he said. But others were allowed, including Number 16 Bus Shelter “and tragically, Violence,” he said.

New Zealand law does not allow names that would cause offense to a reasonable person, among other conditions, said Brian Clarke, the registrar general of Births, Deaths and Marriages.

Clarke said officials usually talked to parents who proposed unusual names to convince them about the potential for embarrassment.

How is that for newsworthy! Keenan Got Lucky?? That name is GOLD how could that not have been approved? Maybe we should name this baby Brandon Got Lucky Twice? This article brought me great joy in laughing at how crazy some people really are.

Now, okay, I get that my own child has a name that is not so common, so I could be under fire here too. But please let me point out that it is in fact a proper name. It is of English origin and means “From The Boar Meadow.” Yep that’s my baby girl, straight from the boar meadow. How we actually decided on the name… I was inspired by my mother’s name which is Beverly; we just dropped the “B.” I didn’t look around my living room or grocery store and think hmmm, Lamp Taco TV Screen, now there’s a good name. But for this second one maybe I should… hmmmm.

By Oxygeon (via Flickr)

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